I told myself, no more boys muna. Since it was all bright and shiny, new school, new environment, new people, new everything, I was easily amused. Hindi ko napapansin yung loneliness. Until one day, it caught up with me.
The real deal is, I was still hung over the-One-Who-Could've-Been-Mr-Pagdanganan. Four years is a huge chunk of memories to delete. And it has been three years since the break-up. I have forgiven him, and we are in "hello" terms again. But I still can't bring myself to love again.
I kept myself busy with school work so as not to notice the time passing by. But there were times when I would cry in the middle of the night because of school, because I miss UP, and most importantly, because I was lonely. Which is why it was a good thing that our batch was sent to our first retreat. That was when I met him -- the Big Mistake.
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| You can take the girl out of UP but you can't take UP out of the girl. |
He was an undergraduate student in the same college of my medical school. He was one of the volunteer facilitators of the retreat. Yes, he's not, and was never, a UP student. However, I found the retreat enjoyable and I the group of volunteers easy to get along with. I found him very entertaining. So when the retreat was over and the facilitators invited me to join their volunteer group, I said yes.
So there he was, The Big Mistake. We started as textmates at first. He asked me the usual relevant information. I told him my likes, what I want to be, why I was in med school and stuff. The usual. I was really impressed when he said that he likes those things too. I told him I love watching medical drama. He said he usually watches "Grace Anatomy".
Huh?
I read his message once, twice. The spelling was really off. A tiny voice in my head was saying that this was a huge mistake. But I guess the loneliness of being alone in a school very different from what I am used to made me overlook that tiny detail.
We started going out. See, the college I now belong to has a reputation of having rich students. And from the looks of it, or at least how he treats me, he has more than enough for himself, unlike the boys I met (and dated) in UP. He started giving me gifts. Expensive ones. It was all new to me. Maybe because UP students use creativity in showing affection to their "prospects" or they don't have money to buy such gifts. But though the Big Mistake's gifts came with huge price tags, it lacked personality.
But what the hell. I was lonely and they were nice things, so who am I to not accept, right?
We became a couple a day before Valentines Day. A med school friend (and UP grad too -- we were the only UP grads in the batch) said that I was only looking for a date for Valentines. He said he was surprised that we're together. But that was all he said.
The Big Mistake and I were a happy couple. Although one or two (or more) friends asked me "why". I just said that he makes me happy. We were happy. Until we weren't.
Med school does not have summer classes so I went home to the province for a much needed break. But as tradition since college, each summer, before classes start again, my UP friends would spend a weekend in our house in the province. That year, I invited The Big Mistake and his Rich-Kid College friends.
I looked at the odd group in my parents' house while we were eating dinner. The group sitting on my left, the Rich Kids, were talking about stuff like basketball, professors, and stuff. The UP group on my right started talking about theorems and axioms and chemical reactions. The Big Mistake looked at me, asking to join their conversation -- parang gustong makita kung saan ang loyalty ko. I listened to their conversation, actually, I know the people and things they were talking about, I just didn't think they were worth talking about. Then a friend from the UP side asked about a chemical reaction. I readily answered, without thinking, we launched another huge discussion about chemistry and math and general science humor. The left side fell silent. They ate their dinner watching us discuss atoms and molecular weights and formulas.
Later that night, the UP crowd are happily singing videoke in our garage, the Big Mistake and I were in the porch, talking. Then it slipped that half of my friends from UP are "happy" people which warranted an unexpected reaction from him.
"Matutulog kami kasama ng mga bakla?"
I didn't see anything wrong with it. They may be "happy" people but they are the finest students (and teachers) I know. And besides they make things "happier". The Big Mistake excused himself to go upstairs. A few minutes later, one of my UP friends said that the Rich Kids asked my brother's permission to sleep in his room. (Not knowing that my brother is "happy" too.)
The next day, my UP friends noticed that the Rich Kids were avoiding them in every way they can. That was when I figured that this would be a big conflict between me and the Big Mistake. Because these UP friends are my friends for life. We've been through hell and high water together.
After that summer, my relationship with the Big Mistake started deteriorating. After the way he treated my friends, I stopped exerting effort to be nice to his friends too. Especially those that I don't like. I also started noticing that the attitude he showed me at first were not really "him". Apparently, he was just faking interest in some of the things I like to hold my attention. And no, he does not watch "Grey's Anatomy".
Amazingly, we stayed together for more than a year after that incident. But I knew better than to mix the two groups again. But "staying together" is different from being "happy together". I had med school and med school student council to worry about and somehow, his presence in my life gave me the one thing I thought I needed. I was not alone. Until I realized that though I was not alone, I was lonely again.
I am with a boy who cannot understand why I wanted to be a doctor so much. He did not understand ambition or why reputation is important to me. I am with a boy who, everytime we get into a fight, gets him mom to cook for me, since I live alone in my apartment in Manila. And even lets his mom do the "sorry" speech. He is content with having his Rich Kid friends around, go out for drinks every so often, watch a game or two of their championship-winning basketball team. That's it. It's all very shallow.
I was miserable. More miserable than when I was alone. So when I met another UP student, an undergrad, who despite being younger than me (and the Big Mistake), but the lack of years is compensated by his thirst for excellence and ambition, I was attracted. The way I was attracted to the First One, the-One-Who-Could-Have-Been-Mr-Pagdanganan, the In-Between and the Turning-Point (uy bagong character!).
I weighed the pros and cons of being with a man much younger than me than be with a man who can't even think for himself. And even without security that the younger boy and I will be together, I gave up on the Big Mistake. I do not want to spend my life in shallowness of his.
As expected, the Big Mistake cried foul. He said I two-timed him. He sent his mom to interrogate me. That was when I knew I made the right decision.
But then the young boy, he stuck around. And that's when the story of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named started.
And again, that is another story.
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