Just Once

I won't sugar coat it kids, let's admit it. Masakit bumagsak. And for those you haven't experienced failure, let me try to show you a picture what goes down in the process of and accepting failure.

*while taking exam* 
'Oh sh*t. Nag-aral naman ako eh. Bakit ganito? Ano ba itong tinatanong nila? Isa diyan sa mga choices ang sagot? Bakit hindi ko sila alam?'

*terminate exam*
'Bahala na ang Justice League. Feeling ko hindi kaya ni Batman ito mag-isa.'

*sees score*
'Oh no. Sana magcurve. Two points lang please. Sana... pero asa pa. Pero sana...'

*night after the exam*
'Eto yung sagot eh, nabasa ko yun eh. Bakit kasi lumabas pa ako last week, sana nag-aral nalang ako... Sana magcurve, sana pumayag ang promoboards.'

*upon seeing official list of passing students*
'Wala ako.' (tulala for a while)
'Official na, bagsak ako. Uulit ako.'

*titingin sa mga ka-klaseng nag-eenjoy*
'F*ck you all, I hate you.'
'Anung gagawin ko next year, isa lang subject ko.'

CLASSMATE 1: Kumusta?
CLASSMATE 2: Tara kain!
CLASS TOP 1: Wow exempted ako.

'Ikaw na. Ikaw na talaga, p*nyeta ka.'

YOU: Hindi sige, uwi muna ako. Mainit eh, kelangan ko matulog.

*habang nasa LRT pauwi*
't*ng*na, uulit ako'
'nagpabili pa naman ako ng bagong phone'
'ibibili daw ako ng kotse pag napromote ako'
'sh*t paano ko ito sasabihin kay Mama'

*bubuntung-hininga. sunod-sunod. pipigilin ang luha. hindi pa pwede. titingnan nila ako pag umiyak ako*
'paano ko ito sasabihin kay Mama?'

*pagdating sa bahay, mabilis na papasok sa kwarto at magkukulong. babaha na nang luha. itatapon lahat ng trans sa kama. iiyak nang malakas. minsan, mas sigaw pa. tapos, after a few minutes, kakalma.*
'ganun talaga, nagkulang siguro ako.'
'gagalingan ko nalang next year.'
'paano ko ito sasabihin kay Mama?'

*mahihiga. makakatulog sa ibabaw ng trans.*

*tutunog ang phone*
'si Mama.'

MAMA: Kumusta? Ano, clerk ka na ba?
YOU: Ma... sorry. Hindi ako pumasa sa isang subject.

*silence sa kabilang linya.*
'sigawan mo na ako, Ma.'
'bawiin mo na yung iPhone ko.'
'okay lang hindi ko naman kelangan ng kotse.'

*tapos maririnig mo ang pinakamasakit na mga salita sa araw na yun*

MAMA: Okay lang yan. Ganun talaga. Babawi ka sa isang taon. Ayusin mo na gamit mo, susunduin ka na namin ngayong gabi. Magtitingin pa kayo ng kotse ni Papa bukas, diba?

***

Ang hirap aminin, but the truth is, I experienced that anecdote one too many times, even before medical school. I am no stranger to failure. Which is why I know that feeling all too well.

But looking back, sure, sana hindi ako bumagsak kasi siguro, instead of trying so hard to get into a good internship and residency program, I would be having interviews left and right. I won't need some consultant to back me up, my grades would do that for me. But things happen, and sometimes, we fail. And when that happens, there really is no other choice but to accept and move forward.

Sometimes, I ask the Universe why I had to fail during college and med school. Then I reviewed the significant events that happened and discovered that those failures led me to doors I would not dare knock if I had any other choice. They led me to lifelong friendships. They led me closer to God and even gave me the chance to serve his youth before I concentrated on studying medicine. They actually led me to medicine eventually. They led me to discover what kind of person I want to be. They led me to my convictions and own set of values. If not for those failures, I probably got married earlier and to someone who I would eventually grow apart from. Those failures brought me here. And quite honestly, I like who I evolved into compared to who I was before.

But all those things I said that happened after the failures, I will leave them for you to have your own post-failure discoveries. Let's keep our focus on the now. The days will drag themselves until the day you get to redeem yourself. In the meantime, endure the social media posts of classmates celebrating. Unfollow if you must. Shut the world out. Go to a place where you make sense. Reconnect with friends that you rarely see because of our tight schedules. Spend time with your family.

Then hit the books again. Don't look too far. Focus on the now.

***
*and then that song starts playing*

I did my best
But I guess my best wasn't good enough
Cause here we are
Back where we were before
Seems nothin' ever changes
We're back to being strangers
Wondering if we ought to stay
Or head on out the door

JAMES INGRAM
Just Once

*looks at the new car keys on the study table. opens book*
'Chapter 1...'

***

When I finally shook the failures away and got my medical degree, a mentor warned me with these words, "Take extra careful, in my experience, most of the students who had a hard time in medical school do not pass the licensure exam on the first take." Those words were embedded on my mind. Come licensure exam, I shut everything off and focused on the mother of all exams. Nailed it on the first take, while I know some former classmates who did fairly well in med school, even received recognitions, had to take the exam again. 

And to make my story a bit more concrete, I will site a "for instance". During medical school, I had to take surgery twice. Come board exam, it was my highest subject. True story.

In one of my interviews during my applications for residency, a consultant asked me:

"You have a low ranking in medical school, how can we be sure that you can turn this around and pass the specialty board exam?"

I thought, how can I possibly answer that question right?

"With all due respect, Ma'am, if you will review my transcript of records from both undergrad and medical school, I was never on top of the class. I even had to take some courses twice. But if you'll review my record in the Professional Regulatory Commission, I never failed my board exams."

So go ahead. Fail. Fail when it's not yet that relevant. Fail when it's easier to redeem yourself. Fail, then make it a part of your learning process. Fail but don't make that same mistake again. Let failure teach you compassion and empathy. Fail to be sure that when it really matters, all that is left is success. 

Aside from surgery, I also had to take pharmacology twice. But guess what, I will be starting my residency training soon. I was recently appointed as a first year anaesthesiology resident in a hospital in Quezon City.

Kind of cool karma, don't you think?

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