Your Heart Today (Holy Week 2015 Epiphanies)

"Where there is fear, I can allay

Where there is pain, I can heal

Where there are wounds, I can bind

And hunger, I can fill

Lord, grant me courage

Lord, grant me strength

Grant me compassion

That I may be your heart today..."

Pink Sisters, Tagaytay
PYM Visita Iglesia 2011

To those who don't know, I've been heading the PYM for quite some time, and believe me when I say, they have been with me through many of my ups and downs. During the times that I needed validation of my existence, it was these kids that gave me back my self-esteem and self-confidence. It was also these kids who inspired me to continue and pursue my dream of becoming a physician.

It was during my years with them, when I thought that I have to give up that dream, it was actually the years that God prepared me for a bigger challenge. With them, I learned patience, resilience, resourcefulness and the ability to tolerate a lot of things. While I was in the classroom studying to be a physician, they, together with family and friends, were with me to keep me going and serves as a reminder that no matter how bad things may seem, I would be able to get through it all. 

PGI Pagdanganan, DOH-PCSHC 2015

Roughly one year ago, I received a text message from DOH-Philippine Centers for Specialized Health Care about getting accepted in their Integrated Internship Program. I did not know if this is what I really want or not. I know the demands of this internship program. I know about the hours I have to burn inside the hospital for me to be worthy of putting their name in my Curriculum Vitae. And most importantly, I know what I have to give up to be able to fulfil all of its demands. I have to let go of one of the things that define who I am, the Parish Youth Ministry. 

But being the best Internship Program in Quezon City (I wouldn't dare say that it's the best in the whole country in fear of my UP-PGH internship friends -- although can we tie for being the best?), I know that this is one opportunity I could not let go of. So with excitement and a heavy heart, I went. And sadly, I missed a lot of events and traditions. I missed birthdays and celebrations. 

Serving the marginalized sector in Old Balara, QC

"When comes the day I dread

To see a broken world

Compel me from my cell grown cold

That your people I may behold..."

In the year that I spent with the Program, I met many kinds of people from all walks of life. But mostly, I met patients from the lowest economic sector of the country. I met patients who come in with nothing but the clothes they have and the slippers on their feet, illnesses full blown and there's nothing much we can do. There are times when all I their loved ones can do was hold their hand as life slipped out of their mortal bodies. There were times when we receive patients so broken that I have no idea how we can put them back together. Not once did I have to reassure relatives that everything will be okay, no matter what. 

There was one particular anecdote in the Emergency Room when a young man in his late 30s who came in due to a cerebrovascular bleed, we tried to revive him but to no avail. As he flatlined, my resident asked me a question I don't really want to answer. "Nakapagpronounce ka na ba?"

I shook my head and she said, "Pronounce it, doktora."

And with a sigh and a heavy heart, it was a "first" that I never want to really have. "Time of death, 8:45pm." His name was Michael, he was a family driver. 

There will be more instances that I will have to call it, but this is one that I won't forget in a long time. 

"And when I've done all that I could

Yet there are hearts I cannot move

Lord give me hope

That I may be your heart today..."

 Maybe that is why I was put here. Maybe that is why He had to prepare me. I may not be the best in theory and I'm sure, skills-wise, I am not be that good. Young physicians like me flock the DOH program for the training, He put me there for more than that. 

He taught me courage. To see death face to face yet not be faltered by it. To use what I have learned in school and through experience to be able to help save and improve the quality of life of our patients.

He taught me strength. To know when to let go and let Him take over when all our human efforts to save and heal are exhausted. 

He taught me compassion. To be able to help my patients get through their crosses. Improve, recover. And if it is His will, go home to Him. 

My year with the Program is about to end. In a few months, I will have to declare my specialization and more years of training to follow. But this Holy Week, I go home to my family and my extended family that is the Parish Youth Ministry. Now I understand why I have to give up my position and time with them. Maybe because now, He has put me in a position where I can reach out to more, beyond the youth of the parish, beyond the perimeters of our little parish courtyard, maybe even beyond the walls of the Mother Church, since they are also His people. 

Reunited with the Parish Youth after almost a year of absence.